Mar 6, 20214 min read

專訪08 方晴 Angie Fong #我的愛自己是對自己放手

Updated: Nov 10, 2021

To love myself is to let go of myself.

Q1.愛自己的定義

Loving myself means...

為了這個專訪，我再次在社交媒體回看過去，每隔一段時間回顧，都有不一樣的感受。

For the sake of this interview, I had a look back on social media of the things that happened in the recent past. I notice I always get a different feeling each time when reviewing these old postings.

我是一位重度抑鬱病患者，從小就聽過無數個社工、醫生提出我必須先愛自己。以前，我一直告訴自己「愛自己」只是自私的代名詞，美化此舉動。所以我不想愛自己。

I suffer from severe depression. I’ve been told since childhood by countless social workers and doctors that I must first learn to love myself. I used to always tell myself that "loving myself" is just another word for selfishness and the act itself is merely a disguise to justify this behavior. All the more reason to make me turn my back on it.

人大了，對「愛自己」會愈來愈多見解，其實就是讓自己活得好好的，不為難自己，不就是這麼簡單嗎？

People begin to complicate the concept of “loving myself” as they age. Don’t you think it’s actually just a few simple things like living well, and staying true to yourself?

每天提醒我不要再傷害自己的紋身

My tattoo to remind me everyday not to hurt myself

但這並不容易，我還在學習中。

如果要說到我的「愛自己」，我承認自己的病、接受無盡的失敗、不放棄尋求幫到自己的方法、甚至用自己的故事幫助別人，以上種種都是我「愛自己」的軌跡，我專屬的「愛自己」。

But it’s not as simple as that. I’m also still learning.

If we’re talking about what “loving myself” means to me, then it’s my acceptance of my illness; accepting my failures; not giving up on finding better ways of self-cure; even trying to help others by sharing my experience. These are the footprints in my unique quest of “loving myself”.

Q2. 不愛自己的狀態

Not loving myself is...

要說不愛自己的種種，簡直可以說三天三夜。

I can spend the next three days talking about what this means to me.

最讓人容易想到的就是自殘，一般自殘的方式我當然都一一做過，而且還自創過很多方式，為了減低被別人發現的機會。

The most common one that comes to mind is self-harm. And yes, I’ve tried them all. I’ve even come up with a few of my own techniques to evade detection.

後來，無形之中我發現我潛意識做了很多事，想達到無痕跡的自殘：不讓自己睡，意志力強於那每天十幾粒的藥物，劑量再高也能不被動搖；不讓自己吃，大部分時間選擇吃代餐去維持生命。

I later discovered by accident that I was subconsciously trying to do a lot of things that would count as a form of self-harm. I would try to stay awake for as long as possible. I discovered my willpower was actually stronger than the cocktail of prescribed pills I have to take everyday. No matter how high a dosage my doctors gave me, I couldn’t be shaken. There were times when I would stop eating. I relied on meal replacement packets to keep me going.

愈危險的事我就愈衝去做。

I literally dove head first into the most daring and dangerous activities.

別人可能以為這是不愛惜生命的行為，其實我是無比珍惜生命，但不強求亦無慾望。這不是負面，只是不特別正面。

Some might think what I do shows I don’t cherish my life, but I think I’m the exact opposite. I’m just being zen about it and looking to ride that next wave. While there might not be much positive about it all, I don’t think there’s anything negative.

雖然發現了問題所在，但暫未能有方法解決。這，只能靠自己，我在等自己對自己放手，不要再剝奪做人的基本權利。

You might have found the problem, but not the solution. For this, I can only rely on myself. I’m still waiting to let myself go. Do not deprive me of this basic human right.

Q3. 愛自己的生活模式

The lifestyle of loving myself...

我選擇以助人為快樂之本，既然過去的事情已發生，我就以我的經歷分享出去，幫助同樣經歷的人。既然吃藥、做手術，能做的醫療方法都試過了，還是一樣，就以我在治病的過程分享，或公開我這患病身份，用不同方法幫助同路人或患者的親人朋友。

I chose to help others like myself. Sharing my experiences offers great support to them, and I can’t change what has already happened. I have tried every available drug, surgery, and medical procedure with indifferent results. I hope by sharing my story I can also help other patient’s family and friends to better understand what we are going through and how they can offer support.

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每次聽到一句感謝，我都同樣感到開心。別人從我身上得到療癒的感覺，比起金錢價值更高。

I feel equally as happy as the person who thanks me each time. That feeling you get when someone tells you you’ve made an impact on them is worth more than anything money can buy.

還有，就是把每一天活成最後一天。

And live everyday like it’s your last.

想做的事就去做，別左想右想，那就不後悔不遺憾。

Stop thinking. You won’t have regrets if you just do the things you want to do.

別讓社會框架成為我們失去真正生活的原因。我們不需滿足社會所定的階級，不論我在甚麼位置、甚麼角色，做好自己就去到哪也能發光發熱。

Don’t let society dictate what we should really live for. We should look past the social standards set upon us in the class struggle. Be our best at whatever position or role we are in. If we do that then we can all shine wherever we go.