Feb 15, 20215 min read

專訪03 Dorothy Cheung #我的愛自己是坦誠面對自己

Updated: Nov 10, 2021

To love myself is to be honest with myself.

Q1.愛自己的定義

Loving myself means…

自從十五歲那年發現自己喜歡女生，我不再愛自己，或者，是害怕自己不值得愛，至少，在教會背景的學校和家庭成長的我，成長中總是沒法離開這樣的恐懼，於是，安全的退路，就是學習成為一個表面安靜的，馴服的人。兜兜轉轉，到了二十幾歲，偶然在佛學講座中聽到一個故事：從前，有個一貧如洗的人，但在他的破屋之下，埋藏了滿地寶石，只是他沒有認出，他原是個富有的人。那位老師說，同樣，我們也早就有各種美善，只是我們未曾認出。聽見當下，不禁落淚。

I was 15 when I discovered I like girls. It was then I stopped loving myself, or perhaps I felt I didn’t deserve to be loved. I grew up in a religious household and studied in denominational schools. The silent fear I suffered growing up turned me into a quiet introvert who seems pretty “normal” from the outside. It wasn’t until my 20’s when attending a lecture on buddhism I learned of the story about the poor man who unknowingly lived with buried treasures under his shanty. I was moved to tears when the lecturer told us, “We all have goodness buried within us waiting to be discovered.”

Q2. 不愛自己的狀態

Not loving myself is…

以為自己要變成某一種人，才能說出自己所想，而忘記坦誠面對自己的好與不好。（常常不自覺哼起the pancakes的《陽光》：「我的聲音不夠嘹亮／又愛夢愛沉迷愛想像／像我這般可會夢想成真／可會得到我所想」）

Not loving myself is thinking I need to become someone I’m not before I’m able to speak my mind. Also makes me forget to be honest with myself and accept the good and the bad. This reminds me of the lyrics from a song called “Sunshine” by The Pancakes.

小時候不敢唸藝術，是出於對自己的否定：認為自己沒有天份，不夠聰慧，因而退而求其次，去讀文化理論。後來輾轉回到了藝術行業，才發現或者所謂天份，並不純粹是技巧，也是對世界的觀察，對情感的體會。當然，間中我還是會討厭自己做得不夠好，尤其在公共場合說自己的作品，但偶爾還是會想起自己才開始學習拍攝錄像，也只是短短三年。

I shied away from studying fine art in university because I thought I lacked the talent required. As a kind of fallback, I chose cultural studies instead. My career somehow brought me back to the arts industry, and I realised it’s not all about technique, but also understanding of the world and human emotions. I still of course feel inadequate sometimes especially when I speak publicly about my work, but then I have just begun making films for few years.

記起第一次自己拍攝短片，也是誤打誤撞。本來我去唸書初期，一直也只打算專注攝影，結果在一次學系跟EYE 電影博物館的合作，每個人都一定要拍短片，我就這樣「膽粗粗」拿著在學校借來的攝影機，拍攝了第一份錄像作品。剪接甚至輸出檔案，也是邊做邊學，但看著作品從無到有，一剎那閃過這樣的念頭：「啊，這就是創作了嗎？」雖然過程不斷碰壁，也有不少焦慮煩惱的時候，但感覺總比否認自己好多了。

I still remember the first time I stumbled upon the opportunity to make a short film. In the beginning of my master studies, I had my heart set on photography. A few months later it came a project with the EYE Film Museum, and that required all students to submit a short film, and that was how I got into it. I had to learn everything from editing to making output files on the fly, but that learning process made me realise what creating something feels like. I did get stressed and encountered many obstacles along the way, but that feeling of achievement felt so good.

《景外書 / Letter to the Outsider 》劇照 Film Stills

這數年來，創作和觀看紀錄片的經驗，總讓我習慣對別人產生同理，但有時，卻忘記也要對自己寬容一點，也不要怪責自己的自責。疫情期間，多了一點學習的機會，漸漸理解對自己的不滿，其實也是出於愛，思考之際，突然記起，或者表面上的愛與不愛，本來就都是愛的一體兩面吧？

Through my experience of watching others’ and making my own documentaries in the last few years, I’ve used to have empathy for other people. But I do sometimes forget to treat myself in the same way and should not be so hard on myself. The pandemic has provided more opportunities for me to learn. I now realise that being harsh on myself also stems from love, and that what you love and hate are actually from both sides of the same coin.

Q3. 愛自己的生活模式

The lifestyle of loving myself...

在以前的工作崗位，常常接觸不同的藝術家，日子下來，發現從作品之中，通常也能夠看見藝術家的性格和處事風格。我想，或者我的作品會看見我嘴饞的一面吧？當然除了貪吃，因為我很喜歡跟拍攝的對象一起煮食，或用食物開始話題，如《見光》雖然是關於研究歷史檔案，但我也拍攝了很多煮食的場面。

I was always meeting artists of various backgrounds in my previous career. It was soon apparent to me that I can get a sense of what the artist’s character is like through their work. It made me think about if I was blatantly exposing my gluttony when people see my work. Besides the food itself of course, I also like to capture the process of cooking, or start conversations with my subjects around food. Home, and a Distant Archive is a history documentary, but I included a lot of cooking footage in it.

《見光 / Home, and a Distant Archive》劇照 Film Stills

她們的這雙手，除了翻閱檔案，也會切菜、化妝、寫作，而生活和歷史，本也是息息相關。

They turned pages of files with their hands, but they can also be used to cook, put on make-up, and write. The bind of history and everyday life is inseparable.

《見光 / Home, and a Distant Archive》電影海報 Film Poster

這數年來，無論是自身還是世界，都發生了很多事情，如是尤其希望能夠愛惜自己的身體和心念，日復日去做自己相信的事，不論是拍攝和研究也好，抑或是買菜煮飯，盡量懷著正念生活。

A lot has happened to oneself and the world in the past few years. To create the capacity to love yourself, it is important to keep doing what you love mindfully.